Feel Good? Feel Bad? mY sToRy

IF YOU REMOVE the honest needs and feelings from your intimacy needs what are you left with? Nothing but pre-programmed communication and robotic skin-on-skin friction. And nothing screams romance like,

"Hey babe, wanna friction tonight?"

It's the awareness of your needs and emotions being met that make it truly worthwhile. Pretty obvious example with Love. But what would it look like if we applied those same principles to the rest of our needs like Myself, and Growth? Even better, what if we could pin-point our honest feelings in real-time? Imagine the empowerment of being able to navigate towards our human needs and away from avoidable distractions as they are happening.

In 2005 I was rushed to a California hospital for what I was certain was a heart attack while traveling around the country with my wife Brittney just weeks after celebrating our first anniversary. I was thirty-one years old and the two of us had been performing concerts around the country for the previous year. One morning after breakfast I found myself unable to catch my breathe and soon thereafter on my way to the nearest ER courtesy of a ten-thousand dollar two-mile ambulance ride.

After a thorough examination the doctor explained that I hadn't had a heart attack but instead probably just suffered from a major panic attack. She recommended I see a local physician as soon as possible, which I did, and was prescribed a thirty-day supply of a popular anti-anxiety medicine, or benzodiazepine for those in the know.

I followed the medication instructions carefully, but I wasn't sure if it was working or not. Everything seemed okay until it was time to refill the prescription thirty days later.

We were in Texas at this point visiting my parents and by either luck, timing, or grace of the CEO of the universe, I found myself face to face with my childhood pharmacist George.

George looked at the bottle and spoke to me with a seriousness I had rarely seen before. He explained that he couldn't refill the prescription without me consulting another doctor, as it had been originally issued in another state. Then, he urged me to visit a doctor's office immediately because there was a strong possibility that I would start experiencing withdrawal symptoms if I didn't get more medicine soon.

So I did what any other rational thirty-one year old who values good feelings over potentially bad ones. Absolutely nothing. I drove back to my folks house and simply chalked up the whole encounter to an overly concerned pharmacist.

After helping a family friend with some yard work the following morning, I noticed I was having trouble breathing and that my heart was racing for no apparent reason. It took only moments to conclude that this might be the withdrawal symptoms George had warned me of. Remembering his advice to get to a doctor, I drove straight to the nearest emergency room clinic.

Once there, the doctors informed me that my options were limited. The only way to manage my condition, they said, was to take more medication to delay the onset of withdrawal symptoms. My heart rate skyrocketed from a calm 60 beats per minute to a frantic 180, and my blood pressure surged to dangerous levels. Despite the overwhelming panic and my body's clear distress, I made a firm decision. No matter the consequences, I would not take another pill.

The doctor explained that unless I gradually reduced my dosage, the current symptoms I was having were probably only going to get worse in the coming days and weeks.

“How long will it take to wean myself off?” I asked. I was now so dizzy from my heart racing that I could barely speak and almost blacked out in the office several times.

"Each individual responds differently to this kind of detox process. It can range from a few months to several years," he clarified. "Given the exceptionally high dosage you've consumed, the risks of abrupt withdrawal could be severe. I strongly advise against stopping cold turkey. To be honest, I've never encountered anyone taking such a high dose in a single month." He concluded that the dosage prescribed was likely an unintended error by the initial doctor I saw while still on tour in California.

Barely able to walk out of the clinic, I somehow managed to make it across the parking lot and collapse into my truck. On the drive back to my parents' house, I resolved once again that I wouldn't take any more of the medicine, no matter what suffering was headed my way. Facing the next painful life lesson seemed as good an idea as any, and that's exactly what I did.

Within twelve hours of the last doctor’s visit, my nervous system began to systematically shut down without the chemical to stimulate it.

For the next eight grueling days, I did not sleep. The strain caused blood vessels in both my eyes to burst, blurring my vision and throwing me into a state of severe delirium. On top of this, I developed Akathisia, a condition commonly associated with benzodiazepine withdrawal. I came to refer to it as "Hell's Cattle Prod." This condition inflicted upon me an uncontrollable restlessness, making it nearly impossible to stay still. I found myself constantly fidgeting, pacing, rocking back and forth, crossing and uncrossing my legs, and moving my feet incessantly.

I became so sensitive to all physical and verbal stimulation that if someone touched me, spoke to me, or even turned on the light, I would immediately begin vomiting uncontrollably. This lasted for several months and I would eventually drop over forty pounds during my ordeal, going from a moderately fit six foot 185 pounds to just under 140 pounds.  

My joints and limbs became nearly frozen with stiffness and within three days of cold-turkey’n it I began having seizures, bouts of psychosis as well as extreme hallucinations.

Horrific nightmares came when I was eventually able to sleep, a few minutes here and there, which caused my mood swings to alternate from extreme anger to uncontrollable sorrow.  

The tinnitus, or ringing in the ears, was so bad that I would bury my head in my pillow and just scream to try and make it go away.  

I lost nearly all sense of taste and smell, and my body was in a near constant state of delirium tremens; which is nearly identical to an extreme alcoholic withdrawal.  

A few of the milder symptoms included irritable bowel syndrome, blurred vision, numbness and tingling in my limbs, as well as dizzy spells and near perpetual tachycardia: that is, a resting heart rate of over one hundred. You should try relaxing with a resting heart rate over one hundred.

I fought with every ounce of willpower during this time, seeking help from doctors worldwide, scouring the internet for information, asking friends and family for advice, and even pleading with God to take away my suffering.

Every night, when I attempted sleep, I kept hoping that tomorrow would be the day of healing.   But the days passed and the withdrawals were still there.  

Days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, and that is when I decided I'd had enough.   

So, one morning—while Mom, Dad, and my wife were working—I decided to give up and commit suicide via my Father's shotgun which he kept locked under his bed.  

Dying this slow death became too much to bear so I phoned my dad and asked him to come home.  

He rushed to my side where he found me in the backyard. I was pacing back and forth—still suffering from Hell's Cattle Prod—confused, and at my wit’s end with this unjustified, cruel, and agonizingly existence.

He sat with me on a bench, and it is there that I explained my plan to end my life.

  I wanted him to know that I loved Mom and him so very much. With tears pouring down my face, I apologized for what this would put them through but explained that I couldn’t continue if this nightmare didn’t start improving soon. Finishing up what might have been our last talk, I asked if he would tell my wife Brittney how much I loved her and how sorry I was for all she had gone through during our first year of marriage.  

He held me for as long as I would let him and simply asked that I wait another few days to see if there was any improvement in my condition. I reluctantly agreed then pulled away sensing another round of tremors coming on. I then went into the house to take a bath, hoping the warm water might help.   

I filled the tub, crawled in, and closed my eyes while a hundred memories of the past and better days flashed through my mind. I tried my best to relax and not splash too much water on the floor.

It was at this moment that I realized there was only one thing in this world I wanted if I actually survived this horrific situation; which was actually a departure from my normal hyper-ambitious go-go-go nature.

I wanted the simple yet often overlooked wonderful gift of just feeling good again. It was also in that tub when I realized what had probably sent me to the emergency room in the first place. My life was a complete imbalanced mess. I was so obsessed with chasing my dreams that I hadn't paid any attention to the other areas of need in my life. I hadn't been taking care of myself, either physically or emotionally. I wasn't taking time to connect with loved ones, family, or friends. And I certainly hadn't considered the impact of personal growth, which quite possibly may have prevented my ER trip in the first place. So I promised myself that if I survived this ordeal I'd take some serious time and space to see if I could find a more balanced approach to meeting my needs.

My Healing

The next morning I woke up and by accident happened to notice the most microscopic of differences. I could hear birds chirping outside my window. Nothing else seemed different but it didn't take long to realize why I could now hear birds whereas before I hadn't noticed them the last few months. My ears weren't ringing anymore. As a further test I even searched ringing sounds on the internet just to see if I could hear the difference; and I could. Next I turned on the light to see how it would affect me. The sudden transition of stimulation from dark to light sent my head and equilibrium spinning so bad that I barely made it to the bathroom to begin my morning vomit routine. So definitely not healed but better than the day before. Though had I slept in even thirty minutes later I might have missed the birds chirping, which could have been tragic.

"Time to unload the shotgun," I thought. Which was now under my bed instead of my Father's.

Later that day I called the doctor to explain the positive shift with the tinnitus. He said that more than likely my nervous system was beginning to function on it's own without the benzodiazepine to stimulate it. No small thing, but he also explained that it was impossible to say when my health would, if ever, fully return to normal. So there I was, a hundred and forty-pound shell of my former self who could barely brush his teeth, but I did feel somewhat encouraged.

Still, the next several months were incredibly difficult. Almost like my world was spinning in slow motion compared to everyone around me. I would try and walk around the block and end up sitting trembling under an oak tree until someone came to pick me up. Then one day the tremors went away and I could walk again. Next to go were the seizures. However the Akithisia (hell's cattle prod), vomiting, and numbness in my limbs were still there but slowly getting better day by day. I was determined not to let my remaining symptoms ruin my spirits, but it was hard not to feel a certain sense of hopelessness at times with my near round-the-clock condition.

A few months later I was reminded just how sick I still was when I prematurely agreed to take on the general manager position at a local fine dining restaurant. Having no idea I was in poor health, some friends of my family caught wind that I was in town and thought I would be a natural fit to help them out. The offer made sense due to the fact that I had grown up in the restaurant business and was even on my way to becoming a Sommelier before the music bug took hold. So, against my better judgement, I took the job thinking it might provide a healthy distraction during my ongoing recovery.

I wasn't one-hour into my first shift when I realized I had probably jumped the gun in returning to the workplace. Especially one as stressful to the nervous system as running a fine dining restaurant. The shifts were painful in nearly every way. A server would complain about their schedule and I would run to the bathroom to vomit. A customer would want to discuss what old-world-style Pinot Noir we carried, forcing me to lock my legs and tense up all my muscles just to keep my tremors from being noticeable. To this day I can vividly remember every detail of that restaurant's bathroom as I think I spent much of my time in there.

Six-months later and feeling well enough to travel, my wife and I moved out west to the Central Coast of California after another restaurant offer came in. This beautiful area is where we first met and a change of scenery seemed as good an idea as any for us.

Despite the excitement of travel and starting new jobs, I found the ordeal much more taxing on my system than helpful. Two steps forward, one step back. But mercifully the real turning point in my health, and a few other surprising areas, would gradually take shape over the next two years.

In 2008, and almost exactly three years after first being rushed to the emergency room, I celebrated my healing by completing an Ironman length triathalon in our local gym that was raising money for cancer awareness. I swam for 2.4 miles, biked 112 miles, and finished with a 26.2 mile marathon run, completing the fundraiser in just under 17 hours. Definitely no record breaker, but I finished and it felt great.

A few weeks later I was offered a job as the marketing director for a young French Restaurant in Cambria, CA called Madeline's. It was a fun little place in the quaintest of towns with an extremely savvy yet fun-as-hell goofball owner David. We instantly connected and I knew from day one that something about this restaurant and it's potential was very rare and equally special. It was also where I would finally stumble into a bit of luck which would graciously buy me some time and space to start playing around with what a balanced feel-good life might look like.

The Beginning: Feel Good? Feel Bad?

Accepting the position at Madeline's was one of the best decisions of my life. I introduced some creative marketing ideas that helped double the sales in less than a year which secured myself a percentage of the restaurant and what would eventually become a sweat-equity partnership.

Don't get me wrong. It wasn't my dream job of traveling around the country performing concerts. But now that I was mostly healed, it allowed me some time and space to contemplate what I wanted most out of life moving forward. I knew above all that I wanted to feel good more often than feel bad. I also began to see my day through a new set of eyes. A more truthful set of eyes. I began analyzing my human needs, routines, and habits in an honest light which gave me a new and fun way to navigate my day. Soon I was starting to enjoy the attainable journey of life instead of the often elusive destination way. The changes I made were tiny and completely disorganized at first, but even so they soon had me believing that an honest approach to my unique needs was not only possible but dare I say feel-good enjoyable. Two years after starting at Madeline's the sales doubled once again.

By year four Madeline's had grown around three-hundred percent from when I started, which allowed David to purchase the little wine shop next door. Soon I was picking up extra marketing clients here and there as well as helping friends and family members better organize their businesses and personal lives. We weren't rich by any means, but I was making a living with something that made me feel good more often than not. However, it wasn't until 2015 where my new approach to living a balanced life would be put through one of life's ultimate tests.

Ten years after deciding that a shotgun's best use is not as an q-tip, my wife Brittney and I welcomed our first child, Cayden, into the world. It was the most magical and scariest moments all at the same time. But overall life was manageable nonetheless considering all we had going on. The restaurant and wine shop were the most popular in town. My wife had a fantastic client base as a sought after stylist in town. And I had somehow stumbled upon an honest approach to life which allowed just enough balance for myself and everyone else.

Sorry for the momentary resume boast. In fact, as I look back there was nothing really all that exceptional about what I did for the restaurant, myself, or family and friends. We haven't franchised the restaurant, created a national line of lobster bisque, nor have I won the noble feel-good-balanced life prize—Yet ;)

But at forty-one years old I had the revelation that at the foundation of every one of my desires, habits, dreams, and routines were two things I had previously missed: a unique need and a honest emotion.

I began researching to find scientific evidence supporting my discovery and was amazed by what I found.

I discovered that we all share a fundamental set of universal human needs. This concept was first identified by psychologist Abraham Maslow, who noted the intrinsic link between our needs and our overall well-being.

Abraham Maslow's theory on human needs has revolutionized the fields of psychology and sociology by providing a structured hierarchy that explains human motivation. According to Maslow, human needs are arranged in a pyramid with several distinct levels: physiological needs, safety needs, love and belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. Each level represents a different category of needs, starting from the most basic physical necessities required for survival to the more complex psychological needs aimed at personal growth and fulfillment. This hierarchical model underscores the significance of addressing fundamental human needs as a prerequisite for achieving higher levels of psychological well-being, social functioning, and purposeful productivity. This framework underscores the significance of human needs in shaping behaviors, relationships, and societal structures, highlighting that meeting these needs is crucial for achieving well-being and self-fulfillment.

These Human Needs include: Certainty, Variety, Recognition, Love & Connections, Growth, and Contribution.

Next, I discovered Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT, as well as Mindful-Based Cognitive Therapy or MBCT. These forms of psychological treatments have been demonstrated to be effective for a wide range of problems including: time and task management, ADHD, depression, anxiety disorders, addictions, marital problems, eating disorders, mental health issues, and more. Through CBT and mindfulness we learn that our thoughts affect our emotions and our emotions affect our behaviors. In other words, in order to overcome adversities and achieve fulfilling lives, we need to understand the capable emotional space between our unique needs and desired behaviors.

Could connecting our genuine emotions to our human needs help transform goals, habits, and healthy lifestyles into lasting and enjoyable routines? Absolutely. Consider the opposite: what lacks desires, emotions, thoughts, or concerns about enduring behaviors? A lifeless robot. Unfortunately living our lives robotically offers no benefits to our well-being long term; it’s simply unsustainable and goes against our human nature. As emotional beings, authenticity should underpin our actions and decisions.

In fact, I believe suppressing our human needs and honest emotions can not only negatively impact our day-to-day life’s goals but can have catastrophic emotional as well as physical results if left unchecked.

The Feel Good? Feel Bad? Journal has helped others to . . .

1. Accomplish more goals and create lasting habits based on their own unique needs

2. Adjust routines quickly with real-time honest feedback  

3. Enjoy their overall lives more with balance, lasting results, and fewer setbacks

Personally FG? FB? has transformed my daily life, managing it in a sustainable way that brings consistent and enjoyable results. How? By aligning my routine with my natural needs and emotions, ensuring long-term changes.

Disclaimer and Final Thoughts

If you are one of the few who finds pleasure in pulling the wings off of butterflies or feel discomfort when assisting the less fortunate, then unfortunately this program  is not intended for you. But then again, maybe it is. . . . Sometimes those who haven’t had their needs and emotions met in a long time will do the unimaginable to feel anything at all. I know I have at times.

Look, I completely understand If you have doubts that the seriousness of your life can be entrusted with phrases like “unique needs,” “honest emotions,” and “Feel Good” or “Feel Bad.” Perhaps a part of you still believes that robotic behavior is more your style. I can assure you it is not. Believe me, I tried for far too long. Modern psychology as well as affective neuroscience clearly backs up the fact that your particular needs as well as your accessible honesty are some of the most powerful tools when it comes to navigating your overall well-being.

Building a life upon your unique needs as well as your emotional truths is where the real adventure begins and where the lasting results of your personal story will thrive.

Thank you for becoming a part of the Feel Good? Feel Bad? Community. I can’t wait to hear how it is helping you to define your needs, meet your needs, and improve the quality of your life. Sincerely,